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Jerry Springer Application Form 
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Well, if you're the kinda folks who are inclined to star in the Jerry Springer show, here's your application form. Print it off and send it in and we'll be seeing ya'll real soon now.
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Last name: ________________
First name: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
What does everyone call you?
(_) Booger
(_) Bubba
(_) Junior
(_) Sissy
(_) Other___________________
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Farmer
(_) Mechanic
(_) Stripper
(_) Hair Dresser
(_) Unemployed
(_) Dirty Politician
(_) Preacher
Spouse's Name:_________________________
2nd Spouse's Name:______________________
3rd Spouse's Name:______________________
Lover's Name:___________________________
Relationship with spouse: (Check appropriate box)
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: ______
Number that are yours: ______
Mother's Name: ______________(If not sure, leave blank)
Father's Name: _______________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Vehicles:
Total number of vehicles you own: ___
Number of vehicles that still crank: ___
Number of vehicles in front yard: ___
Number of vehicles in back yard: ___
Number of vehicles on cement blocks: ___
Model and year of your pickup: 196_
Firearms:
Number of firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ kitchen
____ shed
Do you have a gun rack?
If no, please explain:
Media Interests:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_) The National Enquirer
(_) The Globe
(_) TV Guide
(_) Soap Opera Digest
(_) Rifle and Shotgun
Hobbies:
Number of times you've seen a UFO:_____
Number of times in the last 5 years you've seen Elvis:_____
Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO:_____
Hygiene:
How often do you bathe:
(_) Weekly
(_) Monthly
(_) Not Applicable
Color of eyes:
Right_____ left_____
Color of hair:
(_) Blond
(_) Black
(_) Red
(_) Brown
(_) White
(_) Clairol
Color of teeth:
(_) Yellow
(_) Brownish-Yellow
(_) Brown
(_) Black
(_) N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
(_)Red-Man
How far is your trailer from a paved road?
(_) 1 mile
(_) 2 miles
(_) Just a whoop-and-a-holler!
(_) road?
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Top Tens
TOP TEN THINGS A MAN WOULD DO IF HE WOKE UP AND HAD A VAGINA FOR A DAY:
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina...
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY:
10. Get ahead faster in the corporate world.
9. Get a blow job.
8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
And, the NUMBER ONE thing women would do if they woke up with a penis...
1. Repeat number 9.
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TOP 10 WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE IN THE BATHROOM
1.Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2.Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."
3.Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4.Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
5.Drop a marble and say, "Ahhhh! My glass eye!"
6.Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
7.Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8.Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9.Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10.. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A WOMAN SAY:
1. I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and
cook for you.
2. Biologically my body is built to serve you and nothing else.
3. Oral sex is my favorite hobby.
4. During my bad week, I'll get you a hooker.
5. Does this make my butt look too small?
6. PMS is just a myth.
7. That girl has great breasts.
THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A MAN SAY:
1. I'll sacrifice my career goals and dreams to stay home and
cook for you.
2. Sure she has a great body, but how's her personality?
3. Beer leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
4. When Bambi's mother was shot I cried.
5. Forget the game, Oprah's on!
6. It's your decision.
7. I care.
ADVANTAGES/DISADVANTAGES OF HAVING A THREESOME
ADVANTAGES:
1. It can get really weird
2. Someone can go for beer without interrupting the proceedings
3. There's always a hand or mouth free when you need one
4. Motel rooms split 3 ways are only $13
5. You get to watch your best friends making love
6. You get to get watched making love
7. Simultaneous enjoying intercourse and oral sex has to be
experienced to be believed
8. You get strange looks when you all go out dancing
9. You get really strange looks when you all go out comparison
shopping for condoms
10. Enough people to play gin rummy if things don't work out
11. You can safely check yourself for any homosexual
tendencies without actually doing anything about it
12. Calling out the wrong name during climax isn't as much of a
problem, the "wrong name" is probably the one on your left
13. Three-person showers are fantastic
14. Three-person naked belly laughs are even better
15. Three-person kisses are best
DISADVANTAGES
1. It can get really weird
2. Tougher for three people to decide on pizza toppings
3. Simultaneous orgasms are even trickier to pull off
4. You may harbor paranoid thoughts that while you're in the
bathroom; the other two are giggling over the pimple on your
butt
5. Trying to find safe places to put your elbows
6. You get to find out what kind of really sick things your
friends like
7. Queen-sized beds are suddenly smaller than you
remember them
8. Trying to fit 3 names in the little heart when drawing on
your notebooks
9. Morning breath multiplied by 3
10. You might discover homosexual tendencies you didn't
suspect or want
11. You might discover homosexual tendencies in one of your
friends you didn't suspect or want
12. You have the option of wrecking twice the normal number of
relationships
13. The odds of boyfriends/spouses walking in on you triple
14. Sorting clothes quickly when the boyfriend/spouse walks in
assumes comical proportions
15. Now there are two wet spots to avoid.
Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Its OK when the person you're with fantasises you're someone else, because you ARE someone else.
5. 40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4. If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning.
AND....
1. You can do the whole neighborhood!!!
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100 REASONS WHY ITS BETTER TO BE A GUY.
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or
gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channels, you don't have to
stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12. Your butt is never a factor in job interviews.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticised, you don't have to panic
that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27. You never have to clean a toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
YUP!!!!
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or
she can still be your friend.
32. your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34. You don't have to shave below your neck.
35. None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every
night.
37. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's
seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not
worry about what people will think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk
into a room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter
reader's coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's butt if anyone notices your new haircut.
59. You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me".
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. you know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69. Same work...more pay!
70. Grey hair and wrinkles only add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73. You don't care if someone's talking about you behind you back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking
to them.
79. ESPN's SportsCenter.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp butt over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "Screw it."
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game on somewhere.
30 THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A NAKED MAN
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. Giggle and point.
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
RULES THAT GUYS WISHED GIRLS KNEW..........
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
TOP TEN WAYS YOU KNOW YOUR CAT IS GOING TO KILL YOU
1. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.
2. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
3. He actually DOES have your tongue.
4. You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.
5. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
6. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
7. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown
Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.
9. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
10. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
Blonde Jokes
A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident.
Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped."
Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree!
I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."
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A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.
He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype
women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?"
The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.
"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued, "and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize.
The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!" |
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A brunette goes to see her doctor: "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but I hurt all over."
"What do you mean?" said the Doc.
"Well, if I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts."
"Tell me," said the Doctor, "Do you dye your hair?"
"Yes," she said "I'm really a blonde."
"I thought as much, you've broken your finger."
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A Blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and sure enough, she opens the door and finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blond is angry, She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The blond replies "Shut up, you're next."
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Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arent deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No, Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and a half hour later they were run over by a train.
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The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong. The blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees. The blonde said: "No ma. I know about that stuff, I can fuck and suck with the best of them, but he says I can't cook.
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A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
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A blonde goes into a drug store. She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband." "Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.
"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
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After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before drinking it, he realises his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in and says,
"Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
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A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
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There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled,
"You dumbass, its blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"
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A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A red head said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, W."
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There were three women who were at the gynaecologist having pre-natal check-ups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.
"Whats the matter ?" asked the doc.
"We did it Doggy Style. Am I going to have puppies?"
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?"
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"
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Husband: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we could do without the gardener.
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A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends.
Brunette: "Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!"
Blonde: "That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred."
Brunette: "My god! I had no idea he was that good."
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) "Oh, you mean with one guy."
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There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, and she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
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Q.) How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1.) Blow in her ear.
A2.) Buy her another beer.
Q.) How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
- Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q.) How does a blonde kill a fish?
- She drowns it.
Q.) A blond is going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
- Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q.) How do you know a blond likes you?
- She screws you two nights in a row.
Q.) Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
- Because as soon as they're on their backs, their legs open.
Q.) Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
- They have to pull their own pants down.
Q.) What's the mating call of the blonde?
- "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q.) What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
- (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q.) What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1.)"All the blondes have gone home!"
A2.)Has that blonde gone yet?
A3.)When is that blond bitch going to leave?
Q.) How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
- Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q.) Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
- She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q.) What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
- It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
Q.) How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
- She opens the car door.
Q.) Why did god give blondes 2% more brains than horses?
- Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.
A blond guy visits the family clinic, "I want to be castrated!", he demands cheerfully. "Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed this procedure with your wife?"
"Yes. We both agree that this is best for us." Signing the proper forms, the patient is promptly castrated and released. On his way out the door, he runs into a friend, "Hey what's up?", he asks.
"I'm on my way to get a vasectomy."
"Oh shit!! - THATS what it's called....."
And here's what a Blonde does when she can't work the printer....
FINAL EXAM The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes" for Heads and "No" for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half an hour, but I'm rechecking my answers."
RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M. Signed, The Blonde" She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag, behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed. Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"
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It's always great to have a short joke to hand whenever you need a quickie.......
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Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
"How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?"
Definition of a Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
The difference between the Pope and your boss. The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well it really chilled her mood.
It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can.
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."
I'm so depressed ... My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, Will !? What will ? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite."
Clinton is in the supermarket picking up some things for the new office when a stock boy accidentally bumps into him. "Pardon me," the stock boy says. "Sure," Clinton replies, "but it'll cost you."
Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ... It's called: "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.
Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A: Beat it - we're closed.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q: What's the definition of macho?
A: Jogging home from your own vasectomy
Q: Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A: Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived. The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "I'll hear the oldest first." The case was closed for lack of evidence.
Q. Why don't women have any brains?
A. Because they don't have penises to keep them in
What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? 1. No mind. 2. No business.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.
If men got pregnant.... abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive through windows.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Corvette? The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards.
OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the Tennessee Titans ?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.
A bargain: something you cannot use at a price you cannot resist.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Why does the stupid man put ice in his condom? To keep the swelling down.
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
When she has to chew before she swallows.
Two guys in the pub one says to the other "My wife`s a dirty filthy slut".
The other guy says "why do you say that?"
The first guy replies, "Because she wont wash the dishes so I can piss in the sink".
What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Most people get AIDS from sex; but President Clinton gets sex from aides
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
It took the NSW Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out and revoke this personalized license plate: 3M TA3
Can you tell why?
Answer: It spells out Eat Me in someone's rear view mirror.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 min.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?
Two. If you slice them very thinly.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
Why did God create man before woman?
He didn't want any advice.
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.
What do you get if you cross a Rotweiller with a Labrador?
A dog that scares the shit out of you then runs off with the bog roll.
WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
Because they are plugged into a genius
WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
They don't have enough time
WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
They don't stop to ask directions
WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn
WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?
They're intended for children, but men usually play with them
WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock
WHY DO MEN MASTURBATE?
It is sex with someone they love
WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties
WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy
WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?
So he can tell if he's coming or going
HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
It's never happened.
Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.
Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"
Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q.) What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
1st guy: I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for
women.
2nd guy: What happened?
1st guy: I got my penis caught in the bottle.
 
If you choke a smurf, what color will it turn?
"Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!"
"Why is abbreviation such a long word?"
Said by a car mechanic--"Sorry, I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorass
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with.... the other is used to carry groceries.
Why can't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Wise Sayings:
"The older you get, the better you get-unless you are a banana"
"Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else."
"Learn from your parent's mistakes. Use birth control."
"There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who can't."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
Sex Education
A new study on sexual behavior has determined that intercourse is performed by married couples most often in the "doggie" position.
The husband sits up and begs, and the wife rolls over and plays dead!
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Amusing Bumper Stickers
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Mmmm...Reasonably funny bumper stickers.
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Bumper Stickers
Jesus loves you ... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying No hard feelings
The proctologist called, they found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
Hang up and drive.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Guys, just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
AND THE BEST ONE:
Welcome to America...Now speak English.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
All generalizations are false.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
Born free...Taxed to death.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
Driver carries no cash. He's married
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Hit me, I need the money!
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
HUG A LOGGER--you'll never go back to trees
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken..
i souport publik edekashun.
I thought about being born again, but my mother refused.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
I'm happily married - but my wife isn't.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It wasn't actually a divorce - I was traded.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No radio - Already stolen.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
Rehab is for quitters.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
SUPPORT BINGO--keep Grandma off the streets
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
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University Letter
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Standard letter from University MIT sent to prospective students - with a funny reply.
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Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown,
California
94123-4567 April 18, 1994
Dear John:
You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be. But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America. The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!
Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing. What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here *is* tough *and* demanding, but it's also *fun*. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom. You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.
You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution?
Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
Michael C. Benhke Director of Admissions
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.
Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions,
Room 3-108
Cambridge, Ma
02139 May 5, 1994
Dear Michael:
You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be. But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only *one* of the thousands of accredited universities in the country. The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!
Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano. What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I am self indulgent *and* over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him. You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.
You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too. Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan?
Why not do it right now?
Sincerely,
John Mongan
P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.
Dear Abby
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Irish Jokes
Lost at Sea, two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To his amazement, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer! The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke. "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."
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A mother and young son were flying Aer Lingus. The son, who had been looking out the plane's window, turned to his mother and said "Mom ... If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
Stumped for an answer the mother suggested to her son that he ask the stewardess. The boy promptly got out of his seat and wandered back to the service area. "Excuse me" the boy said to the stewardess. "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
"Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
"Yes" He said nodding his head.
She whispered in the boy's ear, "Tell your mother it's because Aer Lingus always pulls out on time."
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DUBLIN WAZZUP
Christy (on telephone) - Hey head? fuckin' story?
Anto - Jaysus, I'm watchin' Fair Sitty, havin' a E.
Christy - Respect. Where's Jayo?
Anto - Jayo, pick up de phone for de love of fuck.
Jayo - Story?
Christy - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? way a minit dere's a head a de door.
Garo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Jayo - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Christy - Storeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?
Anto - So bollix, what's the story?
Christy - Fuck all, just watchin' Fair Sitty, havin' a E.
Anto: Respect, respect.
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Let some experts tell you:
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EX-VICE PRESIDENT GORE
I fight for the chickens and I am fighting for the chickens right now. I will not give up on the chickens crossing the road! I will fight for the chickens and I will not disappoint them.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH
I don't believe we need to get the chickens across the road. I say give the road to the chickens and let them decide. The government needs to let go of strangling the chickens so they can get across the road.
SENATOR LIEBERMAN
I believe that every chicken has the right to worship their God in their own way. Crossing the road is a spiritual journey and no chicken should be denied the right to cross the road in their own way.
SECRETARY CHENEY
Chickens are big-time because they have wings. They could fly if they wanted to. Chickens don't want to cross the road. They don't need help crossing the road. In fact, I'm not interested in crossing the road myself.
RALPH NADER
Chickens are misled into believing there is a road by the evil tire makers. Chickens aren't ignorant, but our society pays tire makers to create the need for these roads and then lures chickens into believing there is an advantage to crossing them. Down with the roads, up with chickens.
PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it-the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.
SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
EX-PRESIDENT RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook -and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
EX-PRESIDENT BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "chicken"? Could you define "chicken" please?
EX-PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH
I don't think I should have to answer that question.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one? .
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Work Jokes
My Fellow Employees, It has come to our attention that employees may be taking too much time off from work. As such we have instituted the following policies for all employees to follow.
Company Policy
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
Signed
The Management
Confucius Says:
Company Policy
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a co-worker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
Signed
The Management
Police Quotes
"The handcuffs are tight because theyre new. Theyll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"If you run, youll only go to jail tired."
"So, you dont know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I dont think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, & its tougher if youre stupid cuz you'll never graduate from that school of hard knocks youre still going to!"
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now were allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
New Miranda rights:
"You have the right to remain motionless or you may elect to run. Should you decide to run, I shall direct my K-9 to chase you down to the ends of the earth. You have the right to have your lawyer run with you. Should he refuse, a recent Law School graduate will be appointed by the court to jog along with you. If while running, you suddenly decide to end the race, beware that my K-9 may or may not understand your intentions, and may continue his pursuit of you in full stride. You may stop running at any time, at your own risk. Good luck. On your mark, get set... GO!"
Caught for speeding:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The guy replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Stuck under a bridge:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads low bridge ahead. Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
I'm going to a lecture:
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, a policeman stopped him. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife," said the man.
Who was Jesus?
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Where did Jesus come from? Mmmm, lets see.....
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There are three good arguments that Jesus was Black
1. He called everyone Brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish.
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until He was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and She was sure He was God.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that He was Italian.
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian.
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish.
1. He was always telling stories.
2. He never got married.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all is that Jesus was a woman.
1. He had to feed a crowd at moments when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when He was dead He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do | |
Funny Poems
I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his fucking head.
MOODS OF A WOMAN
===============
An angel of truth, and a dream of fiction,
A woman is, a bundle of contradiction.
Shes afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle her boyfriend, alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
Shell kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
Shell win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
Shell be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times shell be vengeful, merry, and sad,
Shell hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
==============
Horny.
Santa Poem
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat.
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.
The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Mom in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon was so bright that it lit up the yard,
The place was a mess, something hit it real hard.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as Im speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didnt sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Fuckin slow down, or Ill cut off your nuts.
Over the lamp post, and dont hit that tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up in the shrub.
And then from the roof came a hell of a splatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down through the chimney he came with a crash.
His suit was all soaking with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some cathouse, he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped, so Ill hang for awhile.
He walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a black leather whip,
Next were some X-rated video clips.
A box full of condoms was Santas next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And boxes of goodies I wont even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
And a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
This stuff aint for kids, Mrs. Santa would shit,
If you dont mind Ill leave it all here when I split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
And he fell on his buttocks and broke wind instead.
He cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch,
Lets go ya varmits, the nights been a bitch!
The shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair,
And he let out a belch as they took to the air,
Bending the lamp post and raking the tree,
He bounced off a rooftop and finally got free.
Im comin home, woman! he sang with a smirk,
So grab both your ankles, and pull up your skirt!
Valentines Day Poems
Roses are straight,
Violets are twisted,
Bend over love,
Youre about to get fisted.
Roses are crap,
Violets are wanky,
Oooh Ive just come,
Pass me a hanky.
Roses are stupid,
Violets are silly,
Grease up your flaps,
Cos here comes my willy.
Roses are awful,
Violets are the pits,
Lift up your shirt,
And show us your tits.
Roses are crap,
Violets are shit,
Sit on my face,
And wiggle a bit.
Roses make me laugh,
Violets make me titter,
Youre a dirty bitch,
And you love it up the shitter.
Roses are red,
But I like carnations,
Youre so crap in bed,
That I fucked your alsations.
Roses are red,
Violets are finer,
Chickens are fowl,
Just like your vagina.
Roses are red,
Its elementary,
Lets ring up a friend,
And try double-entry.
Roses are shit,
Violets are crap,
Show me your clit,
And Ill cum in your lap.
IM GLAD IM A MAN
Im glad Im a man, you better believe.
I dont live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I dont bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I dont get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I dont end up in tears.
I wont spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I dont go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I dont whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
Im glad Im a man, Im so glad I could sing
I dont have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I dont gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I dont carry our differences into the sack.
Ill never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out theres trying to steal you.
Im rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and to stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
Its more fun than dealing with women after all
I wont cry if you figure out its not going to work
I wont remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I wont assume its permanent by any measure.
Yes, Im glad Im a man, a man you see
Im glad Im not capable of child delivery
I dont get all bitchy every 28 days
Im glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise
Im a man by chance and Im thankful its true
Im so glad Im a man and not a woman like you!
Im Glad Im A Woman
Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I dont live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I dont brag to my buddies about my erections.
I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I dont get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt.
My belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I dont go around re-adjusting my crotch,
Or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I dont belch in public, or dont scratch my behind.
Im a woman you see-Im just not that kind!
Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing.
I dont have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack.
And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb.
Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
Im a woman, you know-Ive got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
To have these two boobs and to squat when I pee.
I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I wont tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, Im so very glad Im a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks,
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
Im a woman by chance and Im thankful, its true.
Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!
40 Things Never Said by Southerners
40. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit & grapes instead of biscuits & gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
6. Here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
3. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
If Airlines Sold Paint
Geography of a Woman
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Geography Of a Woman & Man
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Geography of a Woman:
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half-wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade - especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.
After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
Geography of a Man:
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick!
2001 Darwin Awards
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These awards are given each year to bestow upon the individual(or remains of), who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Thinning the herd.....
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IDIOT AWARDS
5th RUNNER-UP Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a. m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked a ski run called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death. (no comment)
3rd RUNNER-UP Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the. 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue.
Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M. D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it."
"It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put it into his mouth and bit down. Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
1st RUNNER-UP Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon. A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye.
Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed himself. Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that afternoon.
Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER. (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a concert without tickets
(but having had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence. The plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted and broken, along with his arm) by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes.
The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, on landing his pocket knife penetrated his thigh. Mr. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his friend and killing him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win... | |
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A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.
During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.
"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
how do you get a witch preg?
you fuck her.... |
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(Thanks to v i r u z)
Q: What's the best part about fucking a five year old girl?
A: Flipping her on her back so you can pretend you're fucking a five year old boy.
(Thanks to Mike the magician)
Q: What's better than winning a silver medal at the special olumpics?
A: Not being retarded.
(Thanks to James)
Q: How do you keep a baby from falling down a man hole?
A: Stick a spear through it's head.
(Thanks to Andrew, I LOVE this one)
Q: What's the hardest part of eating a vegetable?
A: The wheelchair.
(Thanks to Josh)
My girlfriend busted into my room the other day and declared, I'm breaking up with you, you fucking pedophile!
I looked at her calmly and said. . . "My my, that's an awful big word for an 8 year old!"
(Thanks gizm_donor)
Q: Why aren't there any Mexicans in the Olympics?
A: Because the ones that can run, jump, and swim are already in the U.S.
(Thanks to Jason)
Q: What do fifty battered women have in common?
A: They dont know when to shut the fuck up
Q: What's the difference between spit and swallow?
A: Forty pounds of pressure on the back of her head.
Q: What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?
A: You can't fuck a rock.
Q: What's the difference between a circumcision and a crucifixion?
A: In a crucifixion they throw out the whole Jew.
Q: What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies?
A: You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitchfork!
Q: What's more fun than stapling babies to a wall?
A: Ripping them off again.
Q: What's the first thing a women released from a battered women's
shelter should do?
A: The dishes, if she's smart
Q: What's more fun than swinging babies around on a clothesline?
A: Stopping them with a shovel.
Q: What is blue and yellow and found at the bottom of a pool?
A: A baby with slashed floaties.
Q: What is green-black and yellow and sits at the bottom of a pool?
A: The same baby three weeks later.
Q: What is the definition of "making love?"
A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.
(This one goes out to Juan.)
Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Mexico?
A: Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.
Q: What has 4 legs and one arm?
A: A doberman on a playground.
A woman is lying in a bed in a hospital after recently giving birth and her new born baby is asleep in the cradle beside her when the doctor walks into the room. The doctor picks up the baby, throws it in the air - letting it land on the floor. He picks it up again and throws it against the walls a couple of times before drop-kicking it out the window.
"My baby, My baby" The woman screamed with horror. "You killed my baby!".
To which the doctor replied. "Ha ha, April fools it was already dead!"
Q: What's red, bubbly, and scratches at the window before exploding?
A: A baby in a microwave.
Q: What's harder to do than nail a baby to a tree?
A: Nailing it to a dead puppy.
Q: What's grosser than ten dead babies nailed to a tree?
A: One dead baby nailed to ten trees.
Q: Whats the difference between a white baby and a black
baby?
A: Five minutes in a microwave. |
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NYC to Undesirable Tourists: Thou Shalt Not Enter! The Big Apple Sheds its Worms
New York Pity - At the tail of yet another summer full of street-clogging, traffic-blocking, fashion-disaster tourists flooding the fair and dainty avenues of quaint Manhattan, New York City officials have had enough. The mayor's office announced today that, effective immediately, no nonresidents will be allowed to visit the Big Apple without a New York City Tourist Visa.
Citing such concerns as "the uncontrolled proliferation of fanny packs" and "overabundance of fat ignoramuses," vice-deputy undersecretary of public affairs Mike Broadwind declared that New Yorkers have had enough. "Look at what the hell has happened to our formerly genteel city: it's too crowded, it's too hot, and there's no convenient subway to my waterfront home on the Upper East Side. Clearly, all of this can and should be blamed on tourists. It's time that we real New Yorkers took back New York. Where's my copy of The New Yorker?"
Assistant undercounsel general for metropolitan affairs Ed Lisknut agreed. "We've been generous enough letting the Jersey crowd in, but now the whole damn Midwest is out here, you know, 'OohEdna! Look at the big building! Take a picture of me and the big building! I've never seen a building before!' It's utter crap. Tell Norman and Jo May Ellen to haul their lard-asses back to Nebraska."
The new Tourist Visa, which will be available only to supermodels and rich bastards, is already being protested hotly by members of the ACLU, Nigerian boat people, and lesbians. Nevertheless, City Hall's actions appear to be legal, making use of an obscure section of the municipal code that allows the government to declare martial law in times of "tourrerism." All indications are that local law enforcement professionals are ready to support the new measure. "First of all, no French people," Sheriff Miles Hudapeck declared. "This city stinks enough as it is. If I see one more baguette-head smelling up the Bowery, I'm liable to pull out my six-shooter."
New York City Tourist Visa: Denial awaits the putrid masses. |
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Weird News
Very weird news stories which are all true and were reported in various major publications from around the world.
LUSAKA (Reuters) - A German tourist who pleaded guilty to having oral sex in Zambia was sentenced on Thursday to six years in jail with hard labor, court officials said. Magistrate Aloysius Mapate said in his ruling that oral sex was "a gross abomination against Zambian laws."
"This has to stop. You are now sentenced to six years (in jail) with labor," Mapate said, adding that he had been lenient because Seifarth was a first offender.
"Customs of other countries, which are an abomination here, must not be allowed to be practised by tourists or anybody," Mapate added.
A 22-year-old Zambian woman, Pumulo Mbangweta, who performed the sex act on him in a bush near Mazabuka, was not charged, according to court records. Seifarth was convicted under a Zambian morality law which outlaws "unnatural" sex acts and provides for a maximum jail term of 14 years. Seifarth, who conducted his own defence, had told the court that he was not aware that oral sex was illegal in Zambia. But the magistrate ruled that ignorance of the law was no defence.
People Different From Us
From the police column of the weekly Leonard Graphic (Leonard, Texas, 35 miles north of Dallas), May 3, 2001: "A man claiming to be a medical student was charged with theft of service and given a trespass warning after it was discovered he lied about his reasons for being in the local nursing home two months ago. He told aides there he had permission from the home to 'live the life of the patient' and be bathed and diapered as part of a learning experience. However, when he returned to try the scam again on April 17, police were waiting for him. He was found to be a registered sex offender living in Melissa (Texas)." [Leonard Graphic, 5-3-01]
Wrong Place, Wrong Time
Six men were indicted in New York City in October for operating a drug ring, which came to the attention of firefighters, and then police, when one of the men curiously refused to evacuate his apartment across the street from the World Trade Center in the late morning of Sept. 11, despite the area's fires, falling debris and widespread panic. The reason: Inside, police found large supplies of drugs and paraphernalia. [Reuters, 10-25-01]
A mother, frustrated that a Sallie Mae loan office would not believe that her debtor-son was deceased, mailed them the cremation certificate and two teaspoons of his ashes, which not only was inadequate proof but caused a full anthrax panic (Wilkes-Barre, Pa.).
Descendants of the 19th-century feuding Hatfields and McCoys resumed battling, in court, over whether McCoys are being blocked from a cemetery whose main access is controlled by the Hatfields (Pikeville, Ky.).
According to an October dispatch in London's Daily Telegraph, Greenland operates probably the world's most inmate-friendly prison (with all residents having jobs on the outside at market wages and enjoying recreational excursions such as fishing and shopping), emphasizing rehabilitation over punishment (though its recommital rate isn't any better than other prisons'). Guards do take up arms, but only on weekend hunting trips, when the inmates themselves are armed. The main advantage of the system seems to be that court sessions are brief, in that criminals, not fearing prison, usually confess to everything.
Those dreading the legal morass of casualty claims emanating from the Sept. 11 attacks will be even more disturbed knowing the current status of claims emanating from the 1993 World Trade Center basement truck-bomb attack. As of Sept. 11, according to an October National Law Journal report, pre-trial discovery was still taking place on "hundreds" of 1993 claims (personal injury lawsuits and property-damage and business-interruption claims) pending before a New York state judge, including at least one on behalf of Cantor Fitzgerald, the firm most devastated on Sept. 11.
One notable consistency between the Clinton and Bush administrations is that the Department of the Interior still is not certain how to remedy what federal judge Royce Lamberth has called the government's squandering of more than $10 billion in Indian trust funds (payments for grazing, mining, logging and oil-drilling on Indian land) that it was required to manage starting in 1887. In 1999, the department said it was unable to examine some trust fund records because they were filed in decrepit rooms with so much rat feces as to be hazardous. In October 2001, a status report was prepared for Lamberth, but various department officials declined to sign it because of a lack of confidence that it was truthful.
According to a dispatch from Nigeria reported in the Cape Argus (Cape Town, South Africa), Ms. Amina Haruna, 22, of Gusau, Nigeria, was turned down by a Muslim court in August in her quest to divorce her husband, Malam Hassan Mujahid, on the apparently sole ground that his penis is too large for her. The court ruled that it could not determine, even after examining doctors' reports on the couple, whether the size discrepancy was sufficiently great to make the couple incompatible.
Thinning the Herd
In a road-rage chase that ended when the pursuing car wrapped itself around a tree, its driver and the front-seat passenger who egged him on were killed, and the driver being chased (who stopped twice to attempt to apologize but was threatened and cursed and so kept on driving) was unharmed (Clearwater, Fla., August).
And a 19-year-old man became the latest wild-cruising teen-ager to die by sticking his head out the passenger window at the wrong moment (utility pole) (East Meadow, N.Y., September).
The British government aborted its study of whether mad-cow disease can spread to sheep after it realized it had been mistakenly studying cow brains for five years instead of sheep brains.
Dionne French filed a lawsuit in federal court in New Mexico in October over a 1998 incident, charging the Santa Fe Southern Railway and a conductor and brakeman with negligence in not stopping a train in time to avoid hitting her. French, who was homeless at the time and living near Santa Fe, admitted that she was lying on the tracks asleep, and with a brown blanket over her, but said the railroad still had the obligation to detect her presence and stop. [The New Mexican, 10-18-01]
It Actually Happens: Dorothy M. Ellis Williams filed a lawsuit in July against the QuikTrip gas station in Edwardsville, Ill., for injuries to her back and knee when she slipped on a banana peel while walking out the front door. [Belleville News-Democrat, 7-13-01]
Scott Bender filed a lawsuit against U.S. Airways in October, charging that a crew on a February flight from North Carolina had closed up the plane that was parked at a gate in Birmingham, Ala., and left him sleeping in his seat. Bender said he deserves some money from the airline because when he woke up, it was pitch black, and he thought for a few seconds that he was dead. [Birmingham News, 10-4-01]
Sex Crimes on Trial
Sudanese-born gynecologist Darwish Hasan Darwish dropped to his knees and praised Allah after he was found not guilty by a jury at Preston (England) Crown Court in October on a charge that he had raped a woman whom he had put under hypnosis. The woman later gave birth to his child, which was assumed for years to have been her husband's, until her husband, who is a plumber, installed a sauna in the Darwish home and noticed a resemblance between one of Darwish's daughters and his own. The jury apparently believed the sex might have been consensual, but among the things the judge did not permit jurors to know was that Dr. Darwish had already been convicted of having sex with patients under similar circumstances nine times. [London Daily Telegraph, 10-10-01]
In July, Dr. Richard Dye of Half Moon Bay, Calif., was acquitted of sexual assault on female patients despite his admission that he had therapeutically brought at least four women to climax on his examination table during his years as a family practitioner. (Police said he had told them it was "100" women.) Though several woman had made complaints against him, a large contingent of his female patients attended the trial, enthusiastically supporting him. [San Francisco Chronicle, 7-26-01]
People Different From Us
In an incident resembling a movie scene, Alan Martin, 49, was hospitalized in fair condition after being run over on Oct. 1. He had deliberately lain down in the middle of a busy street in Daly City, Calif., as a protest against officers' confiscating his RV, which had just been involved in a minor accident. Martin refused to budge from the street so officers tried to shield his body for a while by blocking a lane of traffic with their cruisers, but then along came one of those notorious California hot-pursuit police chases, with the car driven by fleeing suspect Kevin Domino, 37, accidentally ramming the stopped cruiser, then driving over Martin's body, then trying to straighten out his car and inadvertently running over Martin again, before taking off. (Police caught Domino a few blocks later when his car stalled out.) [San Francisco Chronicle, 10-3-01]
A 22-year-old man got 60 years in prison for shooting two guys who laughed at his brother's haircut (shaved all around except for a patch of hair surrounding his pony tail) (Chicago). [Chicago Tribune, 11-17-01]
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Emma Ness of Fargo, N.D., passed her driver's license-renewal eye test in September despite the fact that she is so severely vision-impaired that her nurse must drive her around. Ness, 79, said she had 75 percent blockage in one eye, 25 percent in the other, and sees spots in the middle of road signs, according to a report in the Fargo Forum, but she bet the nurse that clerks would renew her license, anyway, and they did. ("We're only human," said a state transportation official.) [Charlotte Observer, 10-11-01]
Port of Oakland (Calif.) commissioners ordered a full inquiry in October on why 1,000 secure-area access badges to Oakland International Airport were missing. However, the FAA had come down hard on the airport only because 1,000 badges was too many, in that regulations permit that airport to have only 500 unaccounted-for access badges. [sfgate.com-AP, 10-24-01]
During the summer, cell-phone users who dialed 911 in Northern California and who were placed on hold for the next available operator did not receive the traditional, calming recorded messages of reassurance. Rather, the often-panicked callers had to listen to tapes of either energy-saving tips or job-recruiting notices for the California Highway Patrol. After the San Francisco Chronicle publicized the messages in an August story, the traditional calming messages were returned to the line. [San Francisco Chronicle, 8-18-01]
For reasons not yet explained in the British press, when David Devlin of Glasgow, Scotland, retrieved prints from his four rolls of Greek-vacation photographs from a film processing shop in August, he found that his package contained not his photos but rather year-old snapshots taken by Cherie Blair (wife of the British prime minister) of husband Tony and their children on holiday in Italy. Devlin returned the photos to the shop, and Blair's office said only that the prime minister was grateful to have them back. [Excite-Reuters, 9-4-01]
Mark Wayne Toon, 24, was arrested in September and charged with breaking into the Van Alma Tire Center in Fort Smith, Ark., and stealing some things. Police investigators learned that Toon had not only accidentally dropped his wallet at the scene but, in the course of urinating against a front window, had had occasion to rest his buttocks against the pane, leaving two sets of what police described as buttocks-shaped prints. [Southwest Times Record, 9-27-01]
A September San Francisco Chronicle profile highlighted the several victories of free-lance postal-customer advocate Doug Carlson in getting sluggish or recalcitrant postal supervisors to do their jobs better, but also described Carlson's lifelong fascination with the post office: "As a kid, he followed the postman around. He got his first post office box when he was 15. (H)e toured mail-processing facilities." "It's fun to watch," he said. A law-school graduate and now a university administrator, Carlson reads the postal manual as a "hobby," he said, to be able to cite instances in which the USPS doesn't follow its own procedures. [San Francisco Chronicle, 9-4-01]
On being informed that Canada had chosen a secluded rural retreat for next year's Group of Eight summit, possibly because the area's grizzly bear population would discourage the usual protestors, Alberta activist Alan Keane said the protestors would be out in force, anyway, because grizzly bears "are our friends." [Boston Globe, 6-9-01]
Former CIA officer Victor Marchetti told London's Daily Telegraph in November that the Company had a project in the 1960s ("Acoustic Kitty") in which a cat had batteries and wires surgically installed, with an antenna in the tail, so that it could be placed close to enemy operatives and transmit eavesdropped conversations back to a monitoring station. The project was five years in development when the first Kitty was deployed, but it was immediately run over by a taxicab. [Daily Telegraph, 11-4-01]
A couple of days after the problem was highlighted in a Reuters news story (but several weeks after it had been going on), the Pentagon decided to change the color of the food packages it was dropping in Afghanistan, from yellow to blue, so recipients would be less confused. For several weeks, it had been dropping yellow packages of food and yellow packages of cluster bombs, along with fliers that explained that the square yellow packages were food and the cylindrical yellow packages were bombs, and urging people to open the former but avoid the latter. [Reuters, 10-29-01; Associated Press, 11-2-01]
Arson and Nakedness: The property-eschewing religious sect Doukhobours were in the news again recently. (The sect's breakaway Freedomites ritually burn property and ritually remove their clothes.) Mary Braun, 81, was convicted of setting fire to a college building in Nelson, British Columbia, in October. Her rap sheet for this type of thing is lengthy, and this episode appeared to be another of her revelations. She tried to attend court sessions nude, but staff members covered her with blankets. [Canoe-Canadian Press, 8-29-01; Reuters, 10-23-01]
Israeli security agents scrambled to high alert in September over what they feared was a suicide parachuter from Jordan, landing near the airport in the town of Eilat, Israel. It turned out merely to be Rabbi Shimon Eizenbach carrying out a pre-Yom Kippur ritual of kapparot, floating down in an ultralite glider while holding a hen in one cage (to atone for women) and a rooster in another (for men). Security forces held their fire, and the town was duly blessed. [Jerusalem Post, 9-26-01]
In western Kenya near Lake Victoria, the Wanga faction of the Luhya tribe continue to practice "wife inheritance," in which a woman who becomes a widow is obliged to marry another family member (or risk acquiring a curse), a practice that opponents say is particularly bad in light of the region's high HIV-infection rate. According to a May Agence France-Presse dispatch, tradition provides that if a widow refuses to remarry, the family upon her death pays any available man to have sex with her corpse so that she can be posthumously "inherited" and her soul saved. [Bangkok Post-AFP, 5-6-01]
People Different From Us
Several Canadian tax-evasion defendants have recently resorted to a language called "In the Truth" (invented by American David Wynn Miller) when they defend themselves in court. However, only true believers can distinguish the language from gibberish (one example: "With the sovereign, hyphen, authority of the Andrew, hyphen, William, colon, Sereda (the defendant) is for the stating of the authority of the noun"). Miller said he created the language to replace the "flawed syntax" of English. So far, according to an October Canadian Press report, most judges' preferred response is to award the "In the Truth" speakers a government-paid mental examination, and Canadian Immigration's response has been to keep Miller out of the country. [Edmonton Sun-CP, 10-14-01]
Thinning the Herd
William Stewart finally died of his injuries in November, three weeks after hanging himself in his jail cell, the latest tragedy to befall his Parma, Ohio, family. His wife, Joyce Stewart, died a month before William, allegedly murdered by him. William had been stopped on suspicion of DUI but then invited arrest by snapping gratuitously at the officer, "You can't get into my car without a warrant." The garbage bags in his back seat contained pieces of Joyce. Her son, Mark DiMarco, was serving 94 years for rape and murder before he hanged himself in his cell in 1999. Joyce had served time for obstructing justice in his case after having become sort of a house mother to Mark's gang of delinquents, and after Mark's death, Joyce treated Mark's bedroom as a shrine. [Cleveland Plain Dealer, 10-8-01,
In September, the Atlanta Journal-Constitution profiled desolate Echols County, Georgia (between Valdosta and the Okeefenokee Swamp), well-known to the state's judges because that is where they encourage lawbreakers to go when they really want them to leave the state altogether. The Georgia constitution prohibits banishing people from the state as punishment for crimes, so judges merely banish them from 158 of the state's 159 counties, trusting that they would never voluntarily settle in Echols, anyway, and such strategy seems always to work. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 9-30-01]
Britain's Legal Services Commission granted imprisoned murderer Shaun Armstrong, 39 (whose victim was 3 years old), legal aid for his privacy-rights lawsuit for about $25,000 against the friend to whom he confessed in writing and who turned him in. Armstrong wants back the letters he sent the friend, claiming ownership of his confession (which reads, "Yes, I'm responsible for the crime, but please don't tell anybody."). [The Independent (London), 9-6-01]
An Ontario Superior Court judge ruled in May that spouses have no legal duty to inform each other of their adulterous affairs. A 52-year-old man had sued his estranged wife for about $210,000 (U.S.) for breaching her duty of "good faith" and "honesty" by hiding her affairs from him for 21 years, but the best the judge would do is agree only in cases where "hazardous" sexual activity outside the marriage would subject the spouse to health risks. [Edmonton Journal, 5-19-01]
Nolan Lett was awarded $17,000 from his former employer, Aramark Corp. (Oak Brook, Ill.), in October. He had fallen and broken his wrist after being chased by a goose as he arrived for work one day at Aramark's building, which he proved in court was a "high-goose" area, encouraged by the company's elaborate pond and garden. "It was very ferocious," Lett said. "It started acting crazy." [Chicago Sun-Times, 10-3-01]
Municipal clerk Anne Frank filed a lawsuit against Greenwich, Conn., in August for back pay owing to her boss's having had an 11-year affair with his secretary. According to the lawsuit, the trysting couple were so often going at it that much of the secretary's work was passed down to Frank, and it was work that she was expected to complete in uncompensated overtime. [Providence Journal-AP, 9-1-01]
Actual article from the Los Angeles Times:
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of San Francisco Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a Felching session had gone seriously wrong.
"I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
TOP TEN SCARIEST THINGS ABOUT THIS STORY:
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum..."
9) "So I peered into the tube..." (I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.)
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on Rocky & Bullwinkle.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac, anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying "Well Doc., it's like this. You see, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus." Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something like this? And the smell of a burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for: "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in San Francisco, (I guess no real surprise.) It does give new meaning to the phrase "Blow it out your ass", doesn't it? | |
     
 
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